The Price of Childhood
by sartiebodyshots
Summary: Ben needs to clear his head after arguing with Hal over Matt's gun use. Hal's not finished with him yet.


After their confrontation over Matt's gun use, Ben wanders off on his own. He needs to clear his head, and he doesn't think he can do that with Hal breathing down his neck and shooting him dirty looks. Yeah, he definitely can't think straight with _that_.

He doesn't go far, just far enough that he can jump up into the trees without startling anyone else. If anything bad happens back at camp, he'll be able to hear it and get back in a snap. The benefits of super hearing.

It also means he can hear it when someone starts down the trail he went. The footsteps sound familiar- Hal.

Ben jumps up into a tree and scurries up as high as he dares. Hopefully, Hal will walk by without even noticing he is there. It's not like there's a reason for Hal to be looking for him; Ben hasn't done anything worth yelling at since earlier, not even by Hal's stupid standards.

Hal reaches the clearing Ben is in and pauses, looking.

"Ben, I know you're here somewhere," Hal says. He waits thirty seconds and then calls out again. "Ben, come out. There's no point in hiding."

Ben begs to differ- it's not like Hal can climb up this high, and certainly not before Ben could jump down and run away. But Ben jumps down, crashing through the smaller tree branches like they're nothing. He lands with assurance on his feet, brushing off a few leaves and trying to smirk too much at how Hal jumps, just a little.

"Nice dramatics," Hal says. "Can we talk?"

"I guess," Ben says, trying not to sound too sulky.

Hal's grabs him by the arm and Ben lets him drag him to a fallen log. They sit down and glare at each other.

"What were you even thinking? Giving Matt a gun? Shooting lessons?" Hal practically explodes at him.

"I was thinking," Ben says tersely, "that Matt is old enough to load a gun and can shoot one."

"We're trying to let him have a normal childhood, Ben," Hal says.

"We?" Ben says with derision. "You're not a 'we' and you're not Dad."

"You don't think I know that? But I know what Dad wanted for Matt," Hal says, "and I'm gonna do it until he wakes up."

The 'if he wakes up' hangs between them, unspoken, but present nonetheless.

"You ever stop to think maybe Dad was wrong?" Ben asks, looking down and picking at the bark of the log.

"No," Hal says firmly. "He's got us to look out for him, got all of the 2nd Mass. Matt doesn't need to pick up a gun yet."

"Easy for you to say," Ben mutters under his breath.

"What was that?" Hal says, and Ben knows he really should stop pushing his brother. None of this is his fault.

"It's easy for you to say," Ben says clearly.

"You think any of this has been easy? You think not having Dad was easy?" Hal is yelling at him now. It's like the good old days. "You know it hasn't been easy at all!"

"You think it'll be easy for Matt, if he's all alone and helpless? If he knows he's helpless?" Ben is yelling right back now. "You're acting like I want him to go out on patrol or something. All I want is for him to have a goddamn chance, Hal." His voice cracks on his brother's name and he wipes his eyes angrily. He whispers, "All I want is for him to have the chance I didn't."

When Ben looks up, Hal is looking at him, wide eyed and like Ben has slapped him, and Ben looks back down to where he's picking at the log so he doesn't have to see his face. Hal reaches out a hand to touch him, but Ben pulls back before he has the chance. Ben wishes he knew how to shut out his super hearing because he can hear both of their breathing, ragged and worn, pounding in his ears.

"Ben," Hal says. His voice is low and careful, like he's worried that he's going to spook Ben. It's probably a good fear to have. "You know that we would have done anything if we had known the skitters were-"

"I know," Ben cuts in. His voice catches in his throat and he can barely breathe. There's nothing he hates more than talking about _this_, which is why he never, under any circumstances talks about it. "That's the point. You or Dad would have died first and," the part of the log he's fiddling with breaks, so he decides it's time to stare up at the sky over Hal's head instead. "and, it didn't matter. All of _that_ still happened."

"It won't happen again, and it won't happen to Matt," Hal says, his voice staying soft and taking a darker turn.

Ben wants to laugh, wants to scream, because Hal is just not getting it. It doesn't surprise him. Hal never got him, even when he wasn't a freak. Now he's not totally sure he's even human. "It could. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I ever want is for Matt to be a freak or worse, but we can't guarantee anything."

"We can try," Hal says. "And we can try to do it without ruining his childhood completely."

Ben takes a deep, shaky breath, and then another. "That's what I want to do too, Hal. That's what I was doing, when I handed him the gun." Hal tries to interrupt him, but Ben keeps talking over him until he stops. "I know you don't think so, but just know that I would never do anything to hurt Matt. Or to, like, mess him up. Ever."

Hal presses his lips together and nods. "I know that, Ben. I know that you'd never hurt him on purpose."

Ben prickles at the last couple words, but he decides that it isn't worth it. He feels too exhausted as it is and his stomach is churning. "I'm going for a run, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't want to come back with me?" Hal asks, standing up before holding a hand out.

Mutely, Ben takes the offered hand. He doesn't feel like fighting, even a little. Hal loops an arm around him and supports him on the way back to camp, careful not to press hard against his spikes.

As soon as they reach camp, Ben shakes off Hal, unable to deal with being around him for any longer. He slips around the edges of camp, still feeling sick.

The sick feeling overwhelms him and he falls to his knees. Bile rises up in his throat as the conversation with Hal- and everything that went along with it- replays over in his head at a frenetic pace. He wants everything to stop, wants to be able to give up.

He realizes that he's retching, the spasms wracking his body and bile spewing everywhere. Once he's done, he stays on his hands and knees, swaying a little.

Suddenly, there's a small hand on his arm.

"Do you want me to go get Anne?" Matt's voice drifts in from behind him.

Ben rubs his face with his sleeve quickly, trying to wipe away the vomit, snot, and tears. He doesn't want to look too much like a wreck to Matt. It's embarrassing enough that Matt was able to sneak up on him.

"No, Matt, don't bother Anne," Ben's voice is raspy, so he clears his throat. "I'm okay."

When he sits up, he's face to face with Matt, looking as worried as Ben has ever seen him. "Are you sure? Because you look sick."

"I'm sure, Matt," Ben takes a steadying breath. For the first time tonight, he feels a little calmer.

Matt looks at him and, if Ben didn't know it was impossible, he would swear that Matt is reading his mind. "Can we go back to camp?"

"Yeah, okay," Ben says, getting unsteadily to his feet.

"Come on, then," Matt says, grabbing his hand and practically dragging him back towards camp. "I got something that'll make you feel better."

"I'm not sick," Ben protests weakly.

Matt just glares at him and keeps dragging him along. They end up back at Matt's sleeping space. "You've gotta turn around so you don't see my secret hiding place."

Ben raises an eyebrow but turns around without a protest anyway. He owes Matt at least that much. From the scuffling sounds that Ben can hear, it sounds like Matt is just getting something out of his pillow. What a little kid.

"Okay, okay," Matt says, "you can turn around."

Ben scoots around so he's facing Matt. His little brother is clutching a book in his hands.

"I took this from the school before we left," Matt says quietly. He hands it to Ben.

It's a book of fairy tales, kinda like one he had before the invasion. Mom had used to read to him from it when he was really little, and then Dad had once they grew closer. When Matt had come along, Ben had decided he wanted to be the best big brother ever, and had read to him. That is, until Matt had learned to walk and then run– it had been pretty impossible to get him to sit still long enough to read more than a few sentences.

"You want me to read to you?" Ben asks.

"No. I'm not a _nerd_," Matt says, making a face. "I just thought you'd like it. I was gonna give it to you sooner but we had to run."

Ben snorts and thumbs through the pages wistfully. "I really like it. Thanks, Matt."

Matt scoots over and hugs him tight, and once Ben recovers from the shock, he hugs Matt back, holding him tight. He's struck by just how small Matt is. It's funny because usually he's marveling over big Matt is getting.

"Do you want me to stay here tonight?" Ben murmurs. He knows Matt doesn't always like being alone.

Matt nods against the crook of Ben's neck, so they lay down, Matt pressing his back against Ben and Ben wrapping an arm around his brother.

"Are your spikes okay?" Matt asks in a small voice. Ben can tell he's about to fall asleep.

"Yeah, Matt. Goodnight," Ben says.

"Goodnight, Ben," Matt says, snuggling back against him. "Thanks for being my big brother."

Ben feels his chest constrict again, but this time, it's in a good way. Before Ben can reply, he hears Matt's breathing even out.

Looking down at Matt, Ben can understand where Hal is coming from. He still disagrees, still thinks that what Matt needs most is to know how to defend himself. But he can understand why Hal and Dad treat Matt the way they do. Why they want to keep him as far away from fighting and violence as possible.

If he wasn't a freak, Ben would probably agree.


End file.
